Missing Penises and Fig Leaves: an analysis of Roman Anatomy (please don't read this if penises offend you)

Have you ever really thought about what would happen if your penis fell off? I mean really, how embarrassing. As seen to the right, it really leaves you lacking when everything just falls off and you're left with nothing. As we walked through the Hall of Statues at the Vatican, we noticed a lot of missing penises. I started to feel really bad for these guys. How could you possibly sport a nice fig leaf when you have nothing to hold it up?

The guy above probably used to look something like this guy to the left. Circumcision wasn't a popular idea back in A.D. 10, but even a nice uncircumcised penis could sport a hefty fig leaf. This guy had a decent package, plenty to sustain a nice fresh fig leaf. But no. The guy above just lost it. Possibly in battle, or during a chariot race gone bad, or a fight to the death of his penis in the Colosseum. Poor guy.

Now some guys back in the day decided to opt for a replacement penis. There were a variety available, and as can be seen in this example, sometimes the color didn't quite match up right. But better to have an off-color penis, than no penis at all, right?

Finally, let's take a look at the varieties of fig leaves available (and while you're at it, ladies, take a look at those abs...). You could opt for a marble fig leaf like most of your fellow countrymen - - but why not just go all out and get that nice bronze one you've been eye-ing in the Roman Forum market?


I say if you're going to go with the fig leaf, go big.

:) jen